"WHAT I MEANT TO SAY...."

NaTosha DeVon

January 27, 2020

"What I meant to Say" | POEM by Na'Tosha De'Von

When I say I’m glad your happy

What I mean to say is I’ve spent the last three nights crying

in a tub full of room temperature water telling myself that God doesn’t make mistakes

When I say it doesn’t hurt

What I mean is,

I haven’t been able to breathe without the constant

reminder that I just wasn’t enough

I really, truly mean God Bless you

but my heart burns with the fire of scorn women

who have over taken the pits of Hell to call it Home

For we would rather burn with the sinful dead than to live life without lovers like you

Do you not see my flesh melting off the bone?

Can you smell the stench of burning gristle?

And I have tried to move on but there is something nostalgic within the way I love you

Sometimes I question if I miss you

Or if I simply crave the abuse

I pray only for your peace

but my mind has been tortured by your shadow meeting the small glow of the exit sign

It hangs bare foot by its ankles swinging in all dimensions

however, my smile tells you I’m just fine

So when I say I wish you the best

It’s my not so clever toxic way of wishing you back to me

Na'Tosha De'von

A B O U T | Na'Tosha De'Von

"I am Na’Tosha De’Von, MFA actor and published poet. I originate from Chicago IL, raised in Mississippi. I believe that the purpose of my art is to expose and heal. In my mind, I would like to think that the first words I ever spoke were in the form of a metaphor. With that, I acknowledge the power of words. How they tend to make me feel, how my words make others feel. Sometimes they’re flowers, sometimes daggers, others are just empty thoughts. Due to the exposing, each poem that I create and share with you will have a tendency to leave a mark, petals or bruises you decide. However, in the mist, find healing."

You can find Natosha on Instagram here: @iamnatoshadevon.